Irish Soda Bread

Simple and quick to make; you will have a wholesome, crumbly loaf in no time

Perfect with soup, or just enjoyed on its own, buttered

Ingredients

340g plain flour (plus extra for dusting)

½ tsp bicarbonate of soda

½ tsp salt

284ml buttermilk
A sploosh of milk if the dough’s a bit tight

Heat oven to 200°C
Wash your hands
Dust a baking tray lightly with flour
Combine all dry ingredients in a mixing bowl, using your hand of choice
Add buttermilk, again mixing by hand (the same hand)
If the mixture seems dry, add the sploosh of milk (use other hand)
Mix and knead lightly (with the mixing hand), forming dough into a ball
Place on the floured baking tray
With a serrated knife, cut a cross into the dough
Sprinkle flour over the top
Bake for 30 minutes
To test it is done, invert the loaf and tap it with your finger/proboscis; if it sounds hollow, it is done
Allow to cool on a rack

Turkey, duck and chicken combined….

1 deboned 1.47kg chicken

1 deboned 1.84kg duck

1 deboned 7.32kg turkey

703g sausage and oyster stuffing

Loads of toothpicks

String

For added drama, kill and debone the birds yourself

Heat the oven to 190 C
Place the chicken skin side down and season
Place the duck skin side down and season
Place the turkey skin side down and season
Cover with sausage and oyster stuffing, pushing into cavities, to simulate bones (gross)
Place the duck on top of the turkey and cover with stuffing
Place the chicken on top of the duck and cover with stuffing
With the help of an assistant (willing or not), bring edges of turkey skin up and fasten together with toothpicks
Use string to lace around and hold stuffed turkey together (cat’s cradle expertise is recommended)
Place in a large roasting pan
Cover and roast for 4 hours until golden brown (texture like sun)
Roast uncovered for a further hour, until meat thermometer inserted through thigh (not YOUR thigh) registers 82 C
Carve and serve
You will discover the turkey is dry as dust and the duck is completely overcooked. The whole thing is so misshapen, it causes small children to cry
Chuck the whole thing in the bin and order in a kebab